WHO CONTROLS YOUR LIFE?

7:00am Saturday 10th May 2008

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This might seem a strange question for many people who are happy and content in their day to day lives - surely we are all in control of our lives and what we do - aren't we?

The sad answer is 'no'! Many people will put up with their lives simply because they don't know any different, wouldn't know who or where to turn to if they wanted to make change(s) and of course, change can be frightening so people just won't go there.

As with most of my articles, I approach each issue from a very generic angle. So, if you have a specific matter you would like discussed either on this web page or personally, please get in touch either by using the reply box below or contacting me at TEOTI2008@btinternet.com

I have already written about self-esteem in my weekly column, and to a large degree this comes into play when people look at their lives, feel they might want to make a change, but the confidence and/or drive just isn't there to take it further.

I think most people would agree that life is now lived, for the most part, at a pace we would most like to change - taking things a little slower. And then there are the demands on our time from work, family, friends etc etc. So, just how in control are we?

At this point I would like to differentiate having control over our own lives as opposed to someone deliberately seeking to control us. The latter can be abusive and is a scenario I will look at next week. For now, let's take a look at where we are in our lives and what shapes that and what changes can we make.

OK, you get up in the morning at the same time, and the day ahead is all planned out for you, be it work, kids, work and kids or just kids. Did you plan your day, or was it planned for you? For those stuck in a rut, it is most likely to be the latter. The pressures of life dictate the routine and whilst routine in itself can be a positive discipline, if we can't break free from it, well that's where drudgery sets in as does resentment, reduced performance and then all the psychological factors of stress, anxiety, depression etc.

So what can we do about it?

Taking stock, with a totally honest approach to what is going on, may not always be that easy. Admitting mistakes or failings can be hard, yet if we don't, how can we possibly see a way forward? Talking to a partner can be a positive step, as long as that partner understands where you are coming from and is interested in helping you.

But this can be where the problem may lie. What if you don't receive that support?

I have counselled numerous people who have lost sight of where their life is going. They have even lost sight of their own identity and with not knowing who you are as well as what you want to be doing, can be exceedingly debilitating. Understanding a little of how you arrived at your current destination will often give clues as to what might need to be changed. Our behaviour in the past can indicate what may have gone wrong, so take a look, see what seems to be a recurring fault, and then look at how you can do things differently.

Of course, this may sound very simplistic. And it's true to say that change cannot always be made. If you find yourself in situations that cannot be altered because of monetary complications, cultural pressures or for complex logistical reasons, then changes may be prohibitive. But then you need to consider how to cope better with the scenario you find yourself in - how to make it more palatable - you taking control of it as opposed to it running your life.

Whatever stage you are at, be it taking stock and wanting to change the direction you are heading or if you have fallen deep into a rut and may be suffering some of the symptoms I mentioned earlier, help is at hand.

My primary work is one-to-one counselling but I also run workshops for small groups of people on a range of issues. Making change is one of these, and by working alongside other people who may be experiencing a similar predicament as you, it is possible to explore what is available to you out there, how to grasp that and make the alterations that are required. Being isolated can fuel the low self-esteem inherent in being stuck in life, so by meeting others can be a real positive first step.

As with most of my articles, I approach each issue from a very generic angle. So, if you have a specific matter you would like discussed either on this web page or personally, please get in touch either by using the reply box below or contacting me at TEOTI2008@btinternet.com Next week, part two of Who controls your life?