Are you a daddy's girl?

7:00am Saturday 10th May 2008

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AFTER the death of her father, Cameron Diaz is suffering from stress. Meanwhile Kelly Brook broke up with fiance Billy Zane following the death of her father in November. Experts explain why being a daddy's girl can make life difficult later on and how grief can affect a relationship.

By Sarah O'Meara

ALTHOUGH it is 10 years since her father passed away, Anne Landsman still finds it hard to talk about him. "It felt like losing a limb when he died," says the New York-based author.

Choosing not to visit him on his sickbed, the 48-year-old spent the next decade imagining what she would have said to him. The result was her elegiac novel, The Rowing Lesson, published this year, which for Anne "was a chance to tell him how I felt about him".

With the focus usually on mother/daughter relationships, it is easy to underestimate the powerful role a father plays in his daughter's life.

But whether you're a published author or a Hollywood movie star, losing what Anne describes as an "elemental" part of your existence can be painful and life changing.

Over the last few weeks, a series of A-list daughters have spoken out about their grief at losing their fathers.

Arriving at the BAFTAs, without her engagement ring, presenter Kelly Brook later confirmed she had split up with her partner, actor Billy Zane. The death of her father last November, reportedly prompted her to reconsider her life and the 28-year-old beauty decided she was too young to settle down.

Just a week later, while promoting her latest film Iron Man, Gwyneth Paltrow revealed she found life after her father's death in 2002 "totally unfathomable". Taking a year off from work, she said: "I lost the thread of why I was doing it."

It seems that no matter how successful you are, the paternal bond between father and daughter is very precious.

Similarly, Cameron Diaz - struck by the loss of her dad - failed to arrive in London recently for the premiere of her latest movie What Happens in Vegas. According to co-star Ashton Kutcher, she was receiving "medical attention" for stress following her father's fatal bout of pneumonia.

Anne Landsman can sympathise with the stars' reactions. Growing up in South Africa, a doctor's daughter, she explains that her father's death made her realise the power of their relationship.

"I moved to New York in 1981 so we weren't close in the conventional sense. But when he died I was shocked by how bereft I felt. I wasn't a Daddy's girl; I don't remember him carrying me on his shoulders. But I always found him fascinating."

Newly pregnant, Anne decided that she couldn't risk flying from New York to her family home outside of Cape Town and losing the baby. And although she has never regretted her choice, she says it was a very difficult decision.

"After much emotional tumult I decided to stay and not go to the funeral. When I asked the doctors what I should do. They said, 'What would your father say to you? He would tell you to choose life'. One my father's favourite parts of his job was delivering babies. The son I was pregnant with then is 10 now and I see aspects of my father in him, as well as in myself."

According to Pat Richer from Cruse, a national organisation dedicated to offering free and confidential help to the bereaved, it is normal for children to start examining their own lives after the death of a parent.

"It gets them thinking about what they have gained from being a child of this person," says Richer. "They look at what characteristics they have because of them. Then it can be about discovering their strengths and striking out in their own right. Taking it as an opportunity to say, 'This is what I've learned, this is what they wanted from me and this is what I'm going to do'."

For Anne, her father's death began a long process of self-discovery. "This book is an attempt to come to terms with growing up in the shadow of a charismatic character. He was passionate about the things he loved and taught us about the things that were really important to him. But he didn't know that much about me. He wasn't interested in who I was.

"The book gave me a chance to tell him how I felt about him and our relationship and who I thought he was. I could never have told him in real life because he wasn't a big listener so having this extended conversation with him enabled me to make the relationship work on my terms."

But although Anne has now come to terms with her father's death, and his life, Richer says the grieving process has no set time frame.

"It is disturbing for people who are grieving to be told, 'You should be over it by now'. It's an unrealistic expectation, as it's different for everybody. Some people will deal well in their first year and then may grieve later on."

The first reaction is normally shock, she says. "It depends on circumstances of the death. Feelings of anger can also come into it, if there are any questions over the appropriateness of their treatment in the final stages."

Although Anne's husband was very supportive, Paula Hall, relationship psychotherapist for Relate, explains that for a lot of people, bereavement can test a relationship too far. "A significant loss makes you take stock of your life," she says. "It can be an effort to focus on ordinary things, including your family and friends, as you start wondering about your priorities and thinking about your future. Partners, in particular, can find it hard to get the right balance between being sensitive and keeping life ticking over.

"If you're in mourning, it's important not to make sudden lifestyle changes, like 'dumping' your partner or changing your career. Your motivation may not be as clear as you think."

But Hall also says the recently bereaved also have a unique opportunity to renew their relationships. "If you're part of a couple, it can be a chance for you to grow closer; to reconnect over the important things. Though if you start turning to your mates in preference to your partner, it may tell you something about your relationship."

Ultimately if a daughter's grief is too prolonged and becomes unmanageable they may need specialist help. Richer says: "There may be more serious issues in the parent/child relationship for which they will need a period of counselling and support."

But however much you are allowed to talk about it, the loss can be overwhelming. Gwyneth Paltrow said she felt "emotionally decimated" when she lost "the most important person in the world" And Anne agrees that it took her a while to find her feet.

"I married the man that my father wasn't as my husband is overly fatherly, a listener and has a close relationship with our daughter. Sometimes when I see my husband with my daughter it's a little heartbreaking, because he does things my father would have never done."

"I always imagined there would be a time when I would be the Daddy's girl. But once he was gone I knew there was no chance that that would ever happen. You have to learn to live with what you have."

The Rowing Lesson, by Anne Landsman, is published by Granta, priced £12. Available now.

For more information about Cruse go to www.crusebereavement.org.uk.

For more information about Relate please go to www.relate.org.uk.