CANCER: It's time to start thinking seriously about your diet; the pork scratchings and jellybeans have to go. Try living on oatmeal and bran for a week, washed down with prune juice. You'll be healthy and slim - and, after all, who needs friends anyway? (By the way, those goldfish are definitely up to something. You have been warned!) Lucky pet: piranha.

LEO: My crystal ball shows me you're going somewhere warm, surrounded by water. Check the hot water bottle for leaks before you go to bed tonight! Lucky holiday destination: Wigan.

VIRGO: Well, you didn't follow my advice to go to bed for a year, did you? So, you've only got yourself to blame for that stubbed toe you suffered in January. The good news is, this year you should only take to your bed for one month - December. OK, you'll miss Christmas but you don't really need any more socks anyway do you? Lucky weather: fog.

LIBRA: Good news - the psychiatrist's report recommends that you are released into the community. Don't take advantage of this though - you're still not allowed to go on a bus or anywhere near elephants. (Remember what happened last time!) Lucky zoo: Dudley.

SCORPIO: Now is NOT the time to consider taking up a dangerous sport (so, if you're a teacher, avoid teaching year 11s!). Instead, take up the gentle art of fly fishing; all you need are a few bluebottles and a goldfish. Sorted. Lucky builder: Bob.

Sagittarius: Of all the signs, yours is the luckiest (how fortunate am I to be a Sag!). You're going to win the lottery so will be able to buy yourself some friends. Unfortunately, all that money will not change you. Lucky number: Not telling!

Capricorn: Time to abandon those dreams of winning X Factor and start tidying your bedroom. You could be amazed at what you find - coursework that should have been handed in two years ago; three hundred odd socks and, possibly, Lord Lucan! Lucky household appliance: a hoover.

Aquarius: Giving someone a piece of your mind wouldn't go amiss just now - but not too much as you haven't got a lot to spare! The paragliding I advised you to take up last year didn't go down too well did it? Never mind, you can always pimp your crutches. Lucky race: three-legged.

Pisces: You could meet the love of your life very soon so for goodness sake stop wearing your snorkel and flippers - it's not a good look. Lucky break: Kit Kat.

ARIES: Suddenly, everything will seem clearer and brighter this week. Yes, you're going to clean your specs. Keep a close eye on next door's cat - it's not what it seems! Lucky food: Whiskas.

TAURUS: Be warned: the monks in Wales are looking for a new Shambo and it looks like you could fit the bill. If a weird looking guy in strange robes approaches you - run! (Unless it's the HT, in which case pull your tie up and take your cap off.) Unlucky colour: Red.

GEMINI: Hmm - you both had a bad year didn't you, despite my favourable prediction. Sorry about that. Still, I was right about the pickled onions wasn't I? The good news is - this is going to be a great year. The bad news? Only for one of you. Lucky crisps: salt n' vinegar.